Hello, I’m Useless Eustice!
Hello my luvvers!
My name’s Useless Eustice (but I’m not useless!) and I’m your new MP for Redruth and Camborne! I’m looking forward to being a voice for change in Westminster, and I’m going to change a lot of things right away. In fact, I’ve got David Cameron’s mobile number – I’ll just give him a ring now!
First thing I want to change is what’s on the menu at Westminster. I’m going to get rid of all that cheap Northern Labour grub and get some lovely fresh local political produce from my wonderful farm. I may be an MP now but I’ve still got my lovely farm with all my red strawberries, red raspberries, red meat and… hold on, where’s all the blue stuff? Never mind: I expect there’s plenty of blue things on the menu in my cafe or my fancy farm shop: why not check it out? Hold on, does that sound a bit sleazy?
Anyway, I want to bring more prosperity to Redruth and Camborne – well, not to Redruth because they play in red, but Camborne and Pool will do OK. Everyone in Cornwall’s going to be rich like me with my fancy farm: I’ll just give David Cameron a call. Did I mention I’ve got his mobile number?
How am I going to do it? Not sure yet, but it will probably have something to do with getting out of Europe. I don’t like all those Euros coming into Cornwall, because I don’t like the Euro! Who needs all that foreign money when I can get some from Westminster – after the Scots, Welsh and Irish take most of it. After all, I don’t sell my food in Brussels, so why should they invest in us either?
I think that it’s important to have a Cornish voice in the government, and by voting for me with my massive majority of 66 I’ll be that voice until the next election in twelve months’ time when Parliment collapses, when I’ll boost my majority by offering free lemon meringue pie at my posh cafe and by parachuting David Cameron in to smile at you all. In fact I’ll just give him a call now – I’ve got his mobile number, you know?
Right, off to work now! I’m Useless Eustice (but I’m not useless!), and I need to go sell some sprouts. Not Brussel ones, mind. Oh yes, and represent you poor deprived Cornish people as a Tory in Westminster.
See you soon, my luvvers!
Disclaimer: This was not written by Useless Eustice, but by someone who quite likes shopping at his farm but not his policies.
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Categorized as Cornwall