Ross Tucknott: Cornwall, Sport & All Sorts

Note: this is a guest post by Top of the Hill over at Rolling Maul

I iz avin major beef wid da RFU. Dey iz ruinin rugby 4 my cru an all de udda crus outside da M25 Massiv.

B4 yoo tink I iz all posh an dat letz get 1 ting strate. Jus cos I like watchin 30 men huggin each udda on a Saturday dont make me no butty boy. I iz so street it iz unbeleevable. I iz so street dat my first name iz Coronation. I iz so street dat Kanye West rollz over my head at night in his benz. I iz so street dat da council wastes your cheeze fillin my potholes.

Rugby iz wikd. Rugby playaz iz well tuff, even dem onez what used 2 go to posh skool. Come wind or rain dey roll out and get ire wid each udda for da fanz (alltho a bit of cold seemz 2 make rugby playaz wimp out an stay in da cribs. Fair nuff). Dey train mad hours 4 little chedda: serious, pimpin payz well betta. It iz 1 wikd sport 2 watch – no wussy hairbandz or fakin stuff unlike footee (alltho dat fake blood ting woz well lame: if yoo wanna take a playa off 4 bein injured den jus get a team mate to smash him up quick. O yeah, dere woz a playa 4 Club or Otley (cant tink which 1 – I woz well slawtered) who played at da Rec wid a hairband on but he needed it – dat hair woz well girly!) Da onlee problem iz no good muff, unlike da Lympiks (Jessica Ennis iz like well fit 4 a midget, plus I wud so luv 2 B Victoria Pendleton’s saddle…)

Back 2 da beef wid da RFU. Dey only care bout dem boyz in da white shirts wid da rose on. All tingz dey do iz micro-managaging tings in a way dat dey tink will get da best results 4 da Twickenham Blazerin Squad. Dey iz slashin da cheeze from da smalla clubs so dey can run da new Championship Cru cos dey tink dey iz havin more powa over dat insted of da Gangsta Premiership which duz itz own ting for mo money. Cos da RFU and da Blazerin Squad haz put nuff rep in2 da Championship Cru dey cant let it fail… and some clubz gambled on dat and got liquidised.

Da Credit Crunch iz well lame, and some bizniz iz gonna go unda. But dey wont B comin back an doin bizniz wid da same peeps next year. No 1 would touch em wid nuttin, an datz how da RFU worked in da old skool. Clubz which went unda stayed unda, or earned nuff respekx by husslin da way back up from da street like London Scottish an Richmond.

Clubz in da Championship Cru iz takin da genito-urinary effluence at da mo tho. Beez spent cash dey didnt ave to get back in wid da Cru last year and den went bust, but da RFU said ‘Yo, you iz in da Championship. Keep playin an it will be all gravy, pheonix stylee. Coventry and London Welsh also tink dat da rulz of fizzkal responsibilitee (wow – I got dat ting from Newznight. Well heavy) iz 4 da udda teamz, an dat da RFU needz 2 keep da Championship goin at all costz else da Blazerin Squad will look well dumb. At da same time, udda clubz like Mounts Bay hav gon unda, and more like Manchester r sinkin respekfulee wid da RFU lookin on an sayin ‘What, am I bovvred?’ (Dat iz how dey talk in da Blazerin Squad. Dey tink dat Catherine Tate iz wikd an dey iz not from da real street like da one i iz from.)

At da same time dey hav dis ting called Dual Registration, where young playaz get to play on da mean streetz of da Championship or keep it real wid da National League Massiv whilst gettin cheddar wid da Gangsta P (or wid Exeter, which iz well lame coz Devon sucks and iz full of Ambrosia-eating moor-monkeez). Dis is coz da RFU reckon dat young playaz will get betta at playin by spending more time in da gym an dat da Gangsta P only ave to scout kidz insted of turning up to some dirty crap community rugby club to watch proper men plain proper rugby.

Aside from da beef wid gym monkeez and da waterin down of club values an loyalty and ting, Dual Registration is discriminatory. Under 21s can only B dual registered if dey are wid an Academee, if not den dey cant B dual registered.

Da RFU says Dual Registration iz dere so young peeps can get more game time, but dey only apply it 2 da kidz who might play in da precious white shirt. If yoo iz not good enuff 4 England den da RFU dont care how much rugby yoo play. Get back on da street and go mug rich kidz insted, cos da RFU dont tink yoo iz wurf it.

Da Blazerin Squad iz at da Crossroads (Bone Thugs & Harmony original was much betta tho) and is well narkin da fanz wid all dis an bronze statues and World Cup bidz an ting. Da RFU iz bombin da National League Massiv back 2 da stone age an iz creatin wat dey used 2 hate bout da Gangsta P: a pro v semi-pro bottleneck which scuppered da lower clubz. Da fundin iz well rubbish an if da RFU care bout clubz runnin tings proper den maybe dey should fund book-keeper positions at da clubs? Let all young peeps be dual reg, not just Academee kidz, or abandon da system altogetha an let kidz grow into men wid da clubz which raised dem.

I cud go on an rant more, but I iz meetin up wid peeps 4 a drive-by at Polson. Dem all Blacks betta run quik!

Big up da Hellfire Cru, da National League Massiv, Trelawneez Army and all da rollers at Rolling Maul.

Pleeze no haterz in da commentz. Nuff said.